8 Keys to Raising the Quirky Child by Mark Bowers

Author:Mark Bowers
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

The Trilogy of Behavior

Once you have identified a behavior you would like to address, you can complete the aforementioned A-B-C analysis to understand why the behavior is occurring and the response that is likely to be the most effective at addressing it. Recall that for a child in the quirky category of development, focusing on the antecedents or why the behavior is occurring in the first place and helping the child build the necessary skill set to be successful are key. The exception to this is if the child is engaging in dangerous, destructive, or aggressive behaviors. In these cases, an immediate consequence is indicated (to keep the child and others safe and allow the child to regulate and reset) followed by a focus on the antecedent, such as emotional control techniques and calming strategies, so that future aggressive acts can be avoided.

Teaching a quirky child the skill necessary to benefit from the antecedent approach requires time, energy, and patience. It’s more like a marathon than a sprint. However, there are numerous behaviors that occur throughout the day as part of family life that parents need to respond to quickly. Time cannot be spent completing an A-B-C analysis of each and every behavior a child demonstrates, nor is this approach necessary for most of these behaviors.

Hundreds of times a day, parents observe their child demonstrating a variety of behaviors. A simple model to follow is to divide behaviors into what I call the trilogy of behavior: good behaviors, bad behaviors, and ignorable behaviors. This structure divides behaviors into three categories and allows you to quickly and effectively respond to any behavior that a child may display.

Although this approach is highly effective for any parent, I often introduce it to families who have a child with developmental delays or a quirky profile. The reason for this is that many of these parents attempt to understand whether the child understood what he just did, and this deliberation clouds the parent’s judgment and decision-making ability in terms of how to best respond to the behavior.

Many parents ask me whether punishing a child for hitting is appropriate—for example, if the child does not seem to understand that hitting is wrong. Behavior modification for aggressive or dangerous behaviors is the job and responsibility of every parent, regardless of the child’s developmental profile. Hitting requires action. If a child slaps his brother, for example, saying, “Don’t do that!” or “Be nice!” will not change the behavior.

If you believe that your child cannot help his aggressive behavior, does not understand what he’s doing, that he doesn’t mean to behave that way because he has X diagnosis or a quirky developmental profile, please accept the challenge to remain focused on the behavior itself and remember that you are working on the aggressive behavior out of love for the child and not to be mean or make him more uncomfortable. Indeed, the fact is that you love the child too much to put up with or stand idly by and watch as he exhibits aggressive behavior.

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